Abigayil: ‘He says that he loves me and wants to be with me only, yet I am ragingly jealous. It feels I have almost no control over it. I am so ashamed and angry at myself to admit to my jealousy. No matter what he does and says, I keep feeling this way. It’s is ruining our love and happiness. I need help!’
My answer: ‘Abigayil, it is so good you have decided to do something about this to protect the love you have.’
Here are the 3 Modern Queen Steps to exactly that.
1.) Being available for jealousy is a habit of self-torture and commitment to suffering, which I need you to stop.
What do I mean by that? It means that somewhere deep down inside and as a mindset, you hold the belief that feeling jealous and this type of pain in your heart goes together with romantic love. Based on that belief, you expect it as part of the experience and expect to feel it either way. Thinking this way can make you stay in a relationship where the man does give you a reason to be jealous, just because you believe there is no other way to be in a romantic relationship.
This same belief that the pain of jealousy and doubt comes along with romantic love. Can make you recreate or look for it in an otherwise happy relationship where the man loves you and is faithful to you. Creating this painful experience in your mind is a way of abusing and torturing yourself. ‘Just’ love without the drama and pain is someone ‘not enough’ or as intense as the feeling of stress and hurt the jealous scenarios bring.
I know this is a lot to wrap your head around, and I am not saying this to make you feel bad or blame you. I want to help you and to be able to do that you need to understand that, holding this belief creates your availability for jealous scenarios taking over your romantic relationship.
‘Feeling jealousy and hurt and being betrayed and seeing other women as a threat and your man leaving you for them, has been your idea of romantic relationships even before this man came into the picture.’
And Abigayil I need you to be willing to let go of that idea first. Next, I need you to decide that you want to create a happy romantic relationship where you will not feel this pain. And where you feel worthy of a man’s full commitment and love.
2.) Admit to the feeling, be authentic like a Modern Queen.
I can so relate; this is about not wanting to be vulnerable. It feels as if ‘you lost’, the moment you show this ‘weakness’ of yours. Often time the not wanting to feel what we feel is harder a than just admitting what we feel, move through it and move on. You hate admitting that you are hurt or feeling insecure, and do care about this man. Judging yourself for it keeps you stuck there and the way out is to face the feelings, and that goes for any feeling and reach out for help and support. Just as you did! So well done you!
3.) What to do about it: how to USE it like a Modern Queen.
I want you to remember what you were like when you were single. And what you would be like if he was NOT in the picture. Let us get back to who you are before you got so scared and felt threatened by other women. I know your soul Abigayil, I have seen how you relate to me, how you treat your girlfriends. You are a true Modern Queen at heart. You are supportive, and you are kind to other women. You know all about sisterhood. Now that you are in a romantic relationship, this fear has been making you small. I want you to go back to that version of yourself; Abigayil who gets inspired by other women. Any time you feel these feelings of threat and fear creeping in that make you doubt the love you have.
Take the focus off him and ask yourself these questions:
‘What do I need to feel more open, radiant fulfilled and happy in my OWN life, so I can see this woman for what she is, a sister Queen?’
‘Does this woman inspire me, in other words, does she have something I would like to have too?’ ‘If yes, what is it, and how can I get it?’